She doesn’t scream at me every day, but enough to jangle my nerves and make me crawl back into my man-made, irrational, emotional shell to whimper. Sometimes, she merely glares and says nothing. I glare back. Nothing is resolved.
Yesterday was exhausting. I had a bad dream about events from many years ago. When she saw my face she had a lot of ammunition waiting to dump on me.
“You’ll never stop being stupid about the past! You used to be pretty but now you are ugly as sin. Your hair is such a useless mess I can barely stand to look at you. Why can’t you get a grip? Nobody cares a fig about you and never will!”
We scowled at each other for a while and then I went back to bed to hide under the covers before trying to start my day again. I turned on the radio to a local Christian station looking for some soothing music. A minister was speaking. His voice was very calm and confident and seemed directed right at me. My faith has waned over the long years of constant incrimination but this man who I did not know had a lot to say about that, and more.
“When you give your heart to Jesus and accept Him as your Lord and Savior, the Holy Spirit comes to live in you. He is your HELPER! Don’t listen to lies from the devil that are meant to keep you in bondage and ambushed by the poison of hate and guilt.”
I sat up and reached for my pen and notebook. A tiny spark of redemption seemed within reach and I wanted to be sure to get it in writing to ponder on later. I could hardly wait to hear him tomorrow at the same time. On the way back to the kitchen, there was another nasty confrontation. There she was, ready to pounce.
“So? You heard a preacher. Big deal. Are you planning to go to church again? It’s been years. Your raggedy clothes are pitiful and full of holes. You still look like a forgotten old bag lady and nobody would give you the time of day. Why don’t you just give up? You are a worthless heap of nothing!”
I tried to soothe myself with a nice cup of hot tea as I sat by the window and cried. Two beautiful robins grabbed my attention as they busily hopped here and there in the grass expecting to find food. A profound memory touched my heart and sent me to retrieve and dust off my Bible.
There it was! Luke 12:24. Look at the birds. They do not plant seeds. They do not gather grain. They have no grain buildings for keeping grain. Yet God feeds them. Are you not worth more than the birds?
As my time and energy took a new turn in listening and learning, she stopped yelling abuse at me. Mostly, we simply stared at each other. The accusations and nasty verbal confrontations had disappeared. After daily doses of praying, corrective thinking, and reading Scripture again, I was slowly able to grasp the truth and see why this woman attacked me with no mercy.
Now, when I pass that mirror, she is no longer there. The only thing I see staring back with purest love, forgiveness, and kindness is the blessing of Jesus in me.