Death walked stealthily into our home, sized up the situation, and hung around, until weeks later my husband was no longer with me, passing peacefully, in a hospital room, into his eternal home.
I was gripped with pain unlike any I had ever known. Tears flowed and flowed. I never knew I had so many tears. Day after day the agony of my heart spilled out of my eyes, sometimes along with anger, exhibiting in ways I didn't think possible as I was not usually given to angry outbursts. But this, this was raw pain, having to give way somehow.
Dealing with almost crippling anxiety also became part of the grieving process. I would be getting ready to go somewhere and was almost paralyzed with fear to walk out the door. I'd make myself get ready, and every single time, God was right there, protecting me from becoming reclusive. The verse that always came to mind was, I will strengthen you, I will help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. I would cling to that verse, walk out the door, get in my car and as soon as I'd be on my way the anxiety would leave and I could go wherever it was I needed to. I admit, there were many times I isolated because the pain was just too great and I didn't want to be around people. In those times, I know God was with me in my grief, holding me close to His heart, whether I felt it or not. He promises to be close to the brokenhearted.
As I've been reliving some of that time this week (it's been almost eight years) a verse has come to mind and I'm so grateful for how God was with me during the darkest time of my life, and is still with me; loving, guiding, providing, protecting. I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. God and His goodness have been my mainstay, my hope, and my joy.
Whatever you may be going through, God is there for you, too. Waiting. Loving. Protecting. Prayer God, thank you that in my times of despair you are there, whether I feel your presence or not. Thank you for being my protector and my deliverer. Raise me up God to always know, no matter how I'm feeling, that you love me and are there for me. In Jesus' name, Amen Scripture references: Psalm 34:18 (NIV) Isaiah 41:10a (NIV) Psalm 27:13 (NASB)