My Dear Strumpet, Happy Georgian Calendar New Year to you. I see you have been promoted and have a new charge. Well done to you! Please let Forneus (over in Hell Resources) know that it was down to all the mentoring and training that you received from me. There seems to be some mix-up on that front, and she is under the impression that you learnt all about human behaviour on your own. But I digress… Your new charge seems to be a bit of a deep thinker, which could be a problem if not handled delicately. You can work him in one of two ways – philosophy, delving into the rich tapestry of human thought and grappling with profound questions of existence, or convince him that happiness lies in acquiring a vast collection of “limited editions,” “collectibles,” and other such ephemera. Of course, there are other ways, but for this human, the latter seems to be the best course of action.
I sometimes can’t wrap my head around these creatures. The Enemy Above literally sent His Son to the earth for them, and yet so many are consumed with things, with stuff, and collecting as much junk as they can. But we, as always, can work it to our advantage!
I am not tech-savvy, but even I know eBay is your best friend for this despicable human. Feed his mind with thoughts about everything he might have. If he’s obsessively tracking down rare sneakers, chasing after the latest vinyl release, and meticulously organizing his collection of “vintage” t-shirts, and if his room contains a veritable stash of meaningless objects, then you’ve ensured his mind is not on J-J-Je, no, I can type this – Jesus (see, did it and I only flamed a bit).
You see, Strumpet, this accumulation of material possessions keeps him tethered to the material world, instead of as Our Enemy Above instructs them to “...keep your mind on things above.”* Perish THAT thought!
Also, reinforce that he is “winning” at life when he expands his collections. Don’t let him think for one moment that his worth is found in our enemy, but instead that his status, his worth, and his importance come from that precious stash of ‘stuff.’
Of course, the intermediate goal is to ensure that he fails to see that his treasure trove is merely a reflection of his own emptiness, a desperate attempt to fill the void within. (Our ultimate goal, of course, is to see that he lands here in hell.) He is, in essence, a slave to his own hoarding instincts, a prisoner of his own manufactured desires.
Encourage him to chase evermore elusive and expensive items, leading him down a rabbit hole of endless consumption and perpetual dissatisfaction. Make him a slave to the market, a pawn in the game of manufactured desire. Turn him into a human version of one of those infomercials where they keep showing you, “But wait, there's more!”
Remember, Strumpet, our goal is not merely to prevent him from pursuing the Enemy; it is to make him miserable, to consume him with anxiety and self-doubt, to leave him a hollow shell of a man. And if you can manage to get him to spend all his money on that limited-edition “collectible” pickle rick figurine, well, then you've truly outdone yourself.
With fervent discouragement, Diabolica In tribute to C. S. Lewis and “The Screwtape Letters” *Colossians 3:2